: Re: How to get across pain more effectively in my story? I have been writing a story about a young pianist living with the great composers. After the composers have a meeting, it is decided that

@Si5022468

Vote Up Vote Down

"he physical implications of pain such as curling up or raising your eyebrows help, but I don't want to bore the reader getting this pre and post dialogue description of pain whenever I am writing dialogue from a character that is in pain."

The description of pain (unless excessive or clumsy) will not bore, but rather create a sense of empathy.

If I may be so bold, the example of the dialogue given feels contrived and lacks emotion. Nobody worried by their son would say 'Ah and there he is in the suit his mother made for him'. He might have thought it, but... There's no emotion, no sense of worry. I'd suggest the father answering the doctor but not even looking at her, as he scans the room for his son and immediately spots the mum-made suit. His dialogue should be only about how he is, what the problem is, not naming his wife nor going over nostalgic memories of how fickle he was during the making of the suit. The doctor also seems to be treating him like a child who would see a separation from his favourite clothing as emotional pain being added to the physical one.

Back to the pain, make sure he shows physical sings of pain. Personally, I have no beef wiht 'Ahh' if he just shouted because of a sharp pang, but some readers/writers might prefer 'he shouted' or 'he yelped'. However, if he doesn't look pale and strained, clenched teeth or something to that effect, I, as a reader, will not be able to see, feel and empathise with any pain.

Likewise, show the parents acting worried. How would you talk if it were your son in hospital for unknown reasons? Would you even worry about what he's wearing before making sure the problem is being tackled? Wouldn't you want to rush to his side, or at least curb the wish to do so?

It feels as if Mozart is a little boy who prickled his finger, the way his parents are talking! Get emotion into their words and into their actions. I want to see them wringing their hands, feel how upset they are

(0)

Login to post a comment!