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This here is a line of my story:
As we were in the middle of our conversation, I saw a blinding light heading straight for us, followed by an abrupt honk. Mom screamed as if she saw a ghost, and her scream was interrupted as a powerful force hit the car. When it did, my head ran into the dashboard, leaving a bloody splotch. I felt several pieces of glass scrape my face, the immensely sharp pain carving into my skin. Everything was moving in slow motion. The last thing I saw before I blacked out was the horrid sight of my mother's head being lashed into window. When I woke up, wires were hooked up to my feeble body, and my whole body was in pain.
I try to make the accident more dramatic in slow motion like; you can see the lights then hear the metal hit. See the glass flying and more stuff like that but no matter how hard I try, every time I add something it does not really fit to the text. I really need help of an experienced writer or someone who is good at this.
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I would hardly call myself an "experienced writer", but here we go. I feel like slow motion could be a good idea, but a lot of the time car crashes are very fast, and you can't really decipher what happens afterwards. So in conclusion, slow motion can be a good idea, just not in that specific scene.
I've been in several car accidents. The bad ones don't happen in slow motion. The onset is so fast, all you can think of is "Jesus!" Then you're being thrown around, during which time you don't actually think. You feel; you experience; but you don't process it. You're at the level of an abused animal. Then suddenly it's over, and at some point you realize you're not dead. Your humanity returns, and -- if you're not badly hurt -- you start crying about your wrecked car.
Add more sensory details. One way to think of slow motion is that the camera (or your mind) is speeding up, so that it becomes aware of more of what is happening. To represent that, show more of what the camera sees, what the mind is aware of.
In my experience, the "slow motion" of an accident is accompanied by a kind of detachment, so that afterwards, it seems as if time both sped up and slowed down.
For example, I was carjacked once. A guy pointed a gun at my face and told me to get in my car. At that instant, the thought in my head was, "I know this script. This is the part where I get in the car." That is a very detached thought.
So: Sensory details. Detached thoughts.
First I'm just gonna say "what do I know?" By that I mean, do what feels right to you because there is no universally right or wrong way when it comes to writing. With that said, you should take out "Everything was moving in slow motion" and replace this with more description. Try slowing down your pacing, try describing everything the character hears, smells, feels, sees, tastes. So, instead of telling me "Everything was moving in slow motion" show me how everything was moving in slow motion.
Hope it helps.
FB
The nearest equivalent in prose to “slow motion†in video is the stream-of-consciousness style; you could describe the jumbled thoughts and “this reminds me of that†ideas cascading through the narrator’s head in between the honk and the impact.
N.B.: It’s an established convention in the movies that when something very dramatic happens, like a car crash, the director portrays it in slow motion. However, just because that style works in the movies doesn’t mean you should use it in fiction.
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