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Topic : Re: Finding before/after examples where writing has been improved, to learn from I'd like to see a series of example paragraphs, showing before/after a rewrite, to give me specific examples of how - selfpublishingguru.com

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This isn't exactly what you're looking for, but Brandon Sanderson's novel Warbreaker was written publicly online. You can look at the older drafts and compare them with the current, published version. It's obviously more than just the writing that changes, though. It's a good read, IMHO.
www.brandonsanderson.com/book/Warbreaker/page/20/WARBREAKER-The-Free-Fantasy-Book-Download


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