: Re: Does this writing create emotion in the reader? The thing I hear most often about my writing is, "It's too dry." I'm sure this happens to other people too. I'm working on eliciting

@Shelton455

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Don't overreach. Phrases such as "I did. Not. Move." come off as a bit much, a bit dramatic. And I agree w/ the top answer, it does get a bit didactic towards the end. Illustrate inner conflict with outer actions; as a general rule, tend away from explicitly indicating the character's mindset. Of course there are cases where you must, but don't unless you've thought about both options, and know you must.

You want an emotional response, but that comes from building empathetic characters, not from dramatic language. We don't know the characters very well at this point, so we don't have much emotional connection to them. Build interesting, whole characters—make us familiar with them, friends with them—and Then deliver the blow. Is my 2¢.

Good luck!

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