: Re: How to improve this introductory paragraph (to fit writing standards and grab the reader's attention)? A clock is striking 4:00am at a psychiatric clinic. The darkness, the silence, and

@Sarah872

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Use four a.m. (or just four as it becomes clear the scene is at night).
(Also, most clocks don't strike differently for a.m. versus p.m.)

A young mental health professional -- Toss it and introduce him by name, instead. The next sentence implies his profession, and we get he's young from teenage look.

Simplify:

Dark, silent and deserted, it looks like a morgue.

You don't need to say alone, since you've already told us there is nobody else.

What is a sharp and intellectual look, especially in the eyes of someone who is getting drunk in the darkness? And it's not a qualification.

He is sitting in the middle of the clinic's cafeteria -- You said "He is sitting" earlier, so just drop this sentence and combine with the earlier one to establish the setting.

Hope this helps.

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