: Re: Which version of these three lines is more likely to attract the interest of the reader ? (character's viewpoint vs omnicient narrator) The first one is a suggestion I got from my previous

@Kevin153

Vote Up Vote Down

I like that you're playing with different viewpoints here. The first one is (in this one paragraph) an aloof third person. If it stays aloof, it may be tricky to engage the reader. But this narrative distance may be temporary, and perhaps subsequent paragraphs will move us closer to the lone young man.

The first version does raise some intriguing questions. Why is he drinking alone in the cafeteria? Why are the lights off? I want to know about those, so I'm hooked at least enough to read the next few paragraphs.

The second version nicely takes us almost directly into the character's head. We see right away that his life is at some kind of turning point, or maybe a crisis or even an existential quandary.

This version also raises questions, but they're different from the first version: Why can he no longer heal people? What disease? How did he stop caring? And will he stop caring that he's stopped caring? Again, I want to read on.

The bit about him thinking for a while is tricky to do in first person present. You're trying to summarize, which requires some way to get a bit of narrative distance, but it's in the midst of a highly immediate point of view. You can sometimes do that with past tense, as if the character is telling the story long after it happened. For example, you can sometimes carefully pull back from the character's immediate experience in order to summarize--e.g. "I took a sip of my vodka and thought for a long while."

But with first person present tense, there's no distant perch from which to observe the character. I suspect it's possible to do this, but I don't read enough first person present tense to know how good writers manage it. I'm sure other folks can advise well here.

However it's done, the shifts in narrative distance will have to be both rare and gentle. Frequent or jarring shifts will pop the reader out of the trance.

If you're up for some more experimenting, try several more versions: first person past tense, close third person past tense, close third person present tense, ... Notice how each viewpoint makes some things easier to say, and some things harder.

(0)

Login to post a comment!