: Re: Can this sentence have the same detail and yet be simple to comprehend? While inside the weatherbeaten maternity hut lit by a single candle, out of the dark shadow of its mother's womb,

@Carla500

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two thoughts:

1) You don't need the while X then Y structure to convey parallel events. Just list them one after another. It's implied that they're simultaneous.

2) Separate your X and Y (the child's birth/crumbling/reassembly and the clouds). The stream of consciousness is a lot to track, the magical realism is a lot to process, and there are a lot of images to hold in your mind from one end of the sentence to the other. This should be at minimum two sentences: the first is from inside to ribcage, and the second is about the clouds.

It's quite lovely and I think you conveyed nuance well. But even the stream of consciousness can overflow its banks if you try to stuff too much into a sentence.

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