: Re: Please help me polish this paragraph. I'm learning English as a foreign language. In one of my writings, one paragraph goes: But it's not saying we just indulge ourselves and turn into
In English "brain" typically refers to the organ itself. The gray and white matter; the neurons. You probably want to say that we train our minds. In English, the mind is what controls our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. The brain is merely the vehicle for our cognitive processes. I don't know if other languages account for the difference between the brain and the mind in this way.
Emotional explosions are generally referred to as "outbursts".
"Deviating us" doesn't really make sense. It might be correct, but it doesn't "feel" right.
"Cannot" is one word.
Don't be afraid to use contractions. A lot of English teachers tell folks not to use them when they're writing, but they're wrong. Not using contractions leads to stiff writing.
You're missing an apostrophe in "that's all trivial".
"Schools" should probably be singular.: We're not talking about a specific school or schools we attended, but rather the idea of school.
Same for "troubles". Trouble is an idea; we're not interested in the specifics unless we're telling a funny story.
You do some weird hashing with your subjects by alternating between "we" and "you". You need to be consistent; "we" probably works better in this case, because you're talking about the human condition, and you are, after all, one of us. :)
Specific problems can be "trivial", but concepts are usually "easy". I don't know why this distinction, and I suppose both are technically right, but when writing, probably stick with this rule of thumb.
Here's how I would re-write your paragraph:
It's not saying that we should just
indulge ourselves and turn into wild
beasts. We train our minds so that
we're able to control our emotional
outbursts: we go to school, take
classes, learn, and remind ourselves
to be rational, noting that impulsive
acts often lead to trouble, and that
letting our emotions control us is
childish, and distracts us from our
goals. After two decades or so, we're
done "growing up", and we think we
finally have the ability to control
ourselves. We know we can't interrupt
a meeting without apologizing, and we
know that even if the person we hate
the most is standing right in front of
us, we can't give in to our baser
instincts.* But this is easy compared
to the skills we learn to analyze a
problem and come to a solution.
*Alternatively, you could stick with what you've written, modified a little bit: ...even if the person we hate the most is standing right in front of us, we can't pull a dagger to stab him or her.
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