: Told my plot is good but my writing style is weak. Please help edit 2: I included an excerpt of the working draft of the problem conversation. The characters are bug people. They have a mix

Oh, bugs. Great. Not!

Let's start: The soldiers remained where I last saw them.(not much description here but maybe you already said where they are in a paragraph before this) Not much had changed. Benly sat a little higher (where was he seated then? on a higher stool, on a wall?)with his head propped on his elbow. His crooked antennae poking (change to poked) at the same tray of food from lunch time. I stared at Benly. (remove this last sentence since we already know the MC is looking at him.) His abdomen carried a huge dent in the center segment.(made by what?) His body glistened under the overhead lamps.(I would join these sentences with an 'and' cause you have too may sentences starting with 'His') His left antenna bent downward making it droop lower than his right.

(From what I see from the 1st paragraph, you tell us about Benly, but what is the character 'I' feeling when he looks at him? You don't say anything other than the 'I' is staring. Is 'I' feeling sorry for Benly, are his eyes filling with tears when he stares at him?)

Benly flinched and rubbed his shoulder. In the process he covered (I'd place a comma and remove 'In the process he covered' and change to 'covering') a faded dark green vine shaped tattoo. “Don't bother. Please,” he said.

Frisly stood up and turned towards the line of soldiers near the buffet table. “You need to eat. I don't want you to starve. Not after all we went through. We can't lose you. Not again.” “Listen Frisly, I don't give a damn about my life!” Benly slammed his fist against the table. Frisly sat down and stared at Benly. (Why did Frisly stand up in the first place? This- he stood up and in the next second he sits down- gets boring so remove it and let Frisly keep on sitting. The dialogue is fine with him sitting. And then he stares at Benly. How? What emotion does he show? Pity, pain? Remember you can show it, since the POV lies with the character 'I' here and what he sees.)

“The only way I could convince (remove 'could convinve' and put 'convinced') them to take on the last mission was to promise if they were to die in battle, I-I was to die with them.” (I think this is too long for such an impassioned speech. He's hurt, angry, he wouldn't use such a long sentence. Maybe- "I-I promised them I'd die with them. That's how I convinced them to take the last mission.")

“Benly, What is going on?” asked Frisly. “Couldn't this strange miracle have happened to anyone else?” (Why does he ask 'What's going on?' Doesn't he already know? Delete it and just say- "Benly, couldn't this strange miracle happen to someone else?"

Benly looked up and stared off into space. Frisly leaned forward and stared into Benly's eyes. Benly slumped his head on the table. Benly slumped his head on the table. Frisly poked Benly's head with his antennae. Benly lifted his head and stared at an empty water glass. Frisly poked Benly harder. (Your sentences are short and choppy, imo. I'd change this: Benly looked away, but Frisly leaned forward into his line of vision. He slumped his head on the table to escape his friend's scrutiny, but Frisly poked his head with his antennae. Benly turned his head toward an empty water glass, but Frisly wasn't deterred. He poked harder.)

Frisly poked Benly harder. “Dear friend, please tell me, what is going on inside your mind? I'm concerned.” (I don't know if this is the 'Bugs' personality, but for soldiers and friends, to me seems too polite, the dialogue between them. I'd change this- "Come on friend, let me inside your head. I'm concerned." but apart from saying that he's concerned, you need to show it as well. I'd removed it from the dialogue and show it through his eyes, tone of voice or actions. Again, the 'I' should be the POV here and can see everything.)

Benly sighed. “You're always concerned about me. How about you? How are things going on in your life?”

Frisly folded his arms. (Here how does he look? Angry at his friend?) “No Benly you're not changing the subject. I want to know how you're doing? I get that you're upset about–”

“I wanted to die.” Benly took a deep breath. He reached out an arm and held the empty water glass. “You would hate, me dear friend, if I told you, I...”

(Ok, so in all this, apart from the first part, the character 'I' who is watching isn't shown anymore. How is that 'I' feeling when he sees Benly acting so closed off to his friend? About your dialogue, as I already said, it's not so realistic at times. These are friends who fight together, they should be more at ease with each other. And they don't seem like soldiers, the way they speak makes me think of accountants. Not that I'm around soldiers much, think never, but I doubt they are so polite to each other since they are always together and face bad situations together.

And you can't convey internal thoughts, but you can use the body language.

I hope this helps a little. Sorry if I sounded harsh, wasn't in my intention. I just pointed out what I thought might help. If it doesn't, just ignore me.)

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I'm new here, so don't judge my answer too harshly. Since I haven't seen/read the story, I can't really say but from what you say above, it came to me that it could be a case of too much tell vs too little show. Your MC might tell us what he's doing but he's not showing us with his emotions. I have to agree with the external dialogue. If they feel suicidal, (to me) a person closes up when alone. Thoughts would be running through his head, although you don't want to fill the page with just his internal thoughts. You have to show it. Maybe he gets angry and starts to throw things, then the next second, he falls on the ground and stays rocking there in a fetal position, crying his heart out. Even the child should be experiencing emotions and you have to show them. Hope I didn't mess this up too badly. Sorry if I did.

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