: World Building critique: Building an SF society off a tangent of "Adaptation" I'm writing a short story for my english final - I'm a junior in high school; we've already taken our AP exam,

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Given your paragraph description, I have to admit to being somewhat unconvinced along a few points.

You set up a direct connection between the regime's oppressive control of its citizens and a lack of purpose, but I think you need to nuance that connection more closely. The currently much-analyzed phenomenon of the quarterlife crisis among middle and upper-middle class American 20-somethings and all the talk of emerging adulthood surrounding the same group provides a strong argument that an undirected, unconstrained ability to choose anything actually leads to a lack of purpose. Some amount of constraints - in the form of societal expectations or religious beliefs, for example - can be essential for some in finding purpose. Your initial notes for world-building included the idea that your protagonist is "overwhelmed by so much freedom causes him to lose his mind." That idea is different than what your paragraph conveys, and I think you need to nuance the final product to include an interplay between the two ideas.
In other dystopian works in which totalitarian regimes control the day, the hero(ine) often finds his or her sense of purpose in opposing that regime. Because that is the literary expectation set up by books such as Fahrenheit 451 and Brave New World you may need to work on providing a convincing reason for Salim's apathy. Is it a weakness of character (something that can be written to make him extremely easy to empathize with)? Is it the sheer brutality of the regime? Is it the lack of any peers who will stand with him? Why won't he fight his situation, which fight would actually provide the sense of purpose he craves? This central tension here is what makes the story potentially extremely fascinating, but so far I haven't seen how you'll tease it out.
Many thinkers, from the authors of the Jewish Bible (see this part of the book of Joshua and this section of Psalms) to those of the Christian New Testament (see this section in the book of Matthew) to modern writers such as David Brooks and even some advice columnists point out often that the best way to find a sense of purpose is not within in expressing one's own creativity but to look outside. People tend to feel better when doing things for others, when they feel like they are serving gladly. What keeps Salim from finding purpose in doing things for his family, friends, or true love? Is it selfishness? Is it the entire social structure stacked up against what he feels is his true calling? If Salim's purpose is simply self-expression it's going to feel weak. If you show a struggle to either find a purpose in a purposeless society or express a purpose when the odds are too great, it'll be more compelling.

Looks like there are some interesting ideas here worth honing, but the philosophy has to be something the reader will identify with. I think you're well on your way there.

Also, on your note on tense, you would be well advised to read up on this discussion on present versus past tense. A lot of modern fiction is being written in the present tense, and there has been some backlash against it when it is not done well and for a good reason.

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I think that the "lack of purpose" is a welcome mindsed of our civilisation. (At least, thought mainstream is declaring it.) Those who feel an urge to be trumpeting out that "there is no purpose" do not seem to be apathetic. So I am afraid that your setup is a little bit unlikely.

But I must admit that someone who is forced to accept the "no purpose" mindset sometimes feels unbearable discomfort. This can lead to various (negative) results in their minds.

It should help to become familiar with some fiction (and non-fiction) literature dealing with nihilism, particularly with "existential nihilism" (e. g. F. M. Dostoyevsky, J. P. Sartre, A. Camus, P. K. Dick).

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Don't worry about "it's been done before." Your goal is to do it your way, and never mind what anyone else has done.

Your theme (Lack of purpose => Apathy => Failure to adapt => Vicious cycle) is interesting, but I'm having some trouble connecting it to your précis. How does "too much freedom" equate to "lack of purpose"? I think linking it to "Amusing Ourselves to Death" is closer to the mark — "too much entertainment with nothing to strive for," like the Buy 'N' Large folks from WALL•E (taken seriously rather than for laughs).

I don't think having too much entertainment would cause the protagonist to lose his mind. Lose his will, perhaps. What I would focus on is the spot between three and four: why does everyone in the society have no ambition, no competitiveness, no ability to come up with their own life's purpose? Why is "life purpose" an outside force imposed on the individual, which when missing is not replaced by an inner drive?

You also call it a "newfound apathy," but if everyone in the society is choked with ennui, then it's not "newfound," it's the way things are. You're not describing people who used to have a purpose and now don't; you're talking about an entire culture of slackers. That's not a vicious cycle.

I think your story has potential; I'm just picking some nits which I think need work. :)

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