: Re: Does this microfiction provide a slightly surreal sense when describing an ordinary scene? In this short story I'm trying to describe an unexceptional scene in an exciting and compelling way.

First impression: too many adverbs and descriptions, and too much detail. As Stephen King notes, "The road to hell is paved with adverbs."

A few lines in, and I wanted to skip ahead. What's important to the story? The music he's listening to? Forty-eight steps? The people walking around? The pond? The fish? The coffee? The cigarette?

Everything is "shattered", "shiny", "dry", "loudly", "darted", "slippery", and so on. There is too much going on here, and everything becomes a bit "noisy". In fact, what you've written can almost be described as "purple prose". It's also largely meaningless: lots going on, but the majority tells me nothing of the character or the story.

You don't have to describe absolutely everything. Focus on what's important.

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: Re: Does this microfiction provide a slightly surreal sense when describing an ordinary scene? In this short story I'm trying to describe an unexceptional scene in an exciting and compelling way.

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