: Fear/reluctance of doing something terrible **I asked this question in English.SE, but someone suggested to move it here What are some phrases/expressions that explains someone's fear/reluctance of

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In The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, Stephan R. Donaldson redefines the word "Despair" to mean "Becoming The Thing You Despise". Years after reading those books, I discovered quite embarrassingly that his was not the real definition of that word. He had woven his own interpretation of our language into his writing so well that I believed it, even when learned people disagreed. I stood my ground until Websters proved me to be a fool.

I think that Donaldson chose to redefine "Despair" because there was no suitable word in English for the complex idea that he was trying to portray. I think you may be in a similar situation with your word quest.

From my own (very limited) vocabulary, I would suggest that "Integrity" comes closest to what you are seeking... or perhaps the word-pairing, "Self-Distrust".

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