: Re: How can I improve this description which includes actions? This is the beginning of a short story I'm writing (I'm not a native English speaker): I was lying in the dark, looking at

@Frith254

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The scene does not sound authentic. That a sleeping person is unresponsive is not that uncommon. Details are missing, what makes this situation special.

There are only visual clues. What does the protagonist smell, feel (skin/fingers, not emotions), taste, hear?

You need to show his emotions. What is the frequence of his pulse? Does he shiver? Did she put a screw clamp around his heart?

You could try to use more metaphors/images.

E.g. you started with nice details like the spider webs. But I expected you get back to them, using them to describe the feelings of the protagonist (She caught me in the web of her apartment.)

To describe his isolation you could use something like:

Only a gap of twenty centimeters separated my hand from the warmth of her waist. It could have been a chasm.

or

My hand fondled her waist. Her body responded as warmly as an iceberg.

Show us the loneliness, the isolation, do not describe it.

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