: Re: How can I improve this description which includes actions? This is the beginning of a short story I'm writing (I'm not a native English speaker): I was lying in the dark, looking at

@Phylliss352

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I like the opening three sentences as a hook. It makes me wonder what the problem is in this relationship. Sure, it may not be the most original idea, but simple ideas are best, especially when you are just beginning. It is also a good concept — you are using the dark and silent atmosphere to express mood and enhance the emotion in this scene without having to detail it in words.

The second part develops unsurprisingly into the protagonist's internal yearning. This is reasonable and sensible. It feels like a nice transition from a scene description to an internal monologue, and it's appropriately moody.

The close of the paragraph, though, feels jarringly different. The writing style shifts toward something much more like casual dialogue; suddenly, rather than feeling how this person feels, it is as though someone just started talking to me. That's because you shift from describing a situation that is painful and lonely to just saying "I am lonely." Let the story explain the feeling of loss and loneliness and the lesson that is learned.

And then the part with "After all, it had been the same for more than six months" just shouts "I'm a very young person who has never had a relationship that lasted longer than a decade!" Although it's possible that something happened in your story six months ago, I'd avoid specifying a time frame in your opening paragraph.

Although I don't know how you will conclude the story, I might suggest one more sentence that foreshadows or alludes to the ending.

Here is a suggested rewrite. I changed the part about the spider webs because it seems like the couple is living in squalor, but maybe this is what you wish to convey though.

I was laying in the dark, watching the moonlight trace faint lines on the ceiling. She was right beside me. Barely a hand span separated us, but I felt it as an eternal distance. Closing my eyes, I let my mind's eye slip along her back. I breathed in the smell of her long black hair, and laced my fingers with hers, tasting the sweat on her skin. The memory of our warm nights was so palpable, I opened my eyes and stretched my hand toward her waist. Maybe in the shadows of her sleep, she would forget and wrap her arms around me. I would feel the warmth of her body again. But as my hand touched her hip, her breathing stayed quiet and regular. She did not turn to meet me as she once did, and I knew that I would never close the distance between us.

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