: Re: Writing compelling dialogue I try to avoid repeating the prosaic "he said", "she said" structure as much as possible when writing dialogue. But I think overload of complex descriptors "he articulated",
There is nothing wrong with intoned, exclaimed, yelled or any of the many other terms we use to indicate speech. I agree with the others, but one thing that seems odd to me that has not been mentioned is your dialogue lines occur throughout the paragraph.
One of your paragraphs has two lines of dialogue sandwiched within information dump, which is distracting and unnatural.
Wetcircuit mentioned exposition clutter - it hides your dialogue.
I have seen and used dialogue at the beginning or end of a short paragraph, with minimal exposition but sometimes a character says one thing but thinks another. Under those circumstances my line of dialogue rests on a paragraph.
Breaking up the paragraphs and probably re-evaluating the info dump, sprinkling it throughout or perhaps choosing to place it in that timeless moment of hesitation when your MC is about to shout at her friend might help. Booming words is shouting.
Something like:
We had been friends forever, but now I had my chance. The popular girls had noticed me, wanted to include me, but then there was Noah, the dreamer who is smarter than the rest of us, but he is holding me back. Must cut the ties, or reduce my connection.
He is talking to the air again - no wonder they all bully him. He seems such a worthless mess to those who don’t know him, don’t understand his past and never care to learn. He is what will keep me from the future I deserve. Probably talking to that Theresa. His imagination and intelligence are his best traits, but no loser will keep me from shining at the prom.
“Practicing lines again?†My booming words had their intended effect, jarring him out of his daze.
Turning to me with a start, he said, “Sorry, Em, didn’t see you there.â€
Time ticked on, just a few seconds of silence, but it must not last. Why am I nervous? This is necessary. “How are things going?â€
Did I really just say that? So embarrassing, but he won’t notice.
“Um....All is fine.â€said Noah, what was happening to the girl he knew and liked? She was turning into one of them. Please let it just be until this prom nonsense is over.
Noah began pacing, I used to love listening to his stories, so many worlds conjured by him, so many interesting characters. He might be a poet but one must be sensible. Live in the world we are in.
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