Both the sentence that you selected for special attention and the fuller excerpt from your opus, that you so considerately added that we might begin to understand your context, is a bit too prolix.

By which I mean: it's all too wordy.

"Over the ensuing years," doesn't really say anything. What you're looking for here is a conjunction to join the previous thought with the new thought. So just use a conjunction

"So I read as much I could..."

Your English Major friend is right. The next bit isn't weak because it's a verbal adjective or antiquarian, it's weak because it's passive. The construction she referred to is your use of the past tense, "I read," followed by an adverbial participial clause. (That's a mouthful!) In English, when you use the participle to form a clause that functions as an adverb you end up using the passive voice.

Have you heard writers advise people not to use too many adverbs? That's partly because adverbs shift the reader's attention away from the subject. In this case, "trying" modifies "read." The last half of the sentence is all about the verb, the act of reading, and not about the subject, you! The passive voice does the same kind of thing; it minimizes the importance of the subject. Keep the focus on the subject and keep the voice active.

What you want to say is that you read a lot. You also want to say something about why you read so much. Just say that.

"I wanted to learn more about the English language, so I read as much as I could."

It's not showy, but it's clear.

Prolixity can be a used to good effect, but it's a dangerous trap. It can give a piece of writing an "academic feel" (although academic writing is rarely good writing), or it can give a piece a sense of style. Jane Austen, for example, did it well. Many others do not. The biggest danger of prolixity is that it can lead you to use the wrong words, which just confuses your writing.

"…his insight into English so beguiled me" Beguiled? You were deceived? Diverted from your aims? Or intrigued? Enchanted?

"...and the relative obscurity of the field..." Linguistics is not obscure. Difficult maybe, but not obscure. Or did you mean that linguistics is opaque?

Using the passive voice can also lead to prolixity: "I began taking French and Latin, in addition to German..." instead of, "I took French, Latin and German."

I really do get a sense of style from your prose. You've got a voice and it's a good one. For instance, I really liked, "...I began spending my afternoons researching...." It puts me back in a world where my mornings were not my own; it's evocative. But it's passive and so it loses urgency. Beginning to do something is not as powerful as simply doing it. "I spent my afternoons researching"

"Although my interest never waned, it stagnated..." I liked this as well. And it's active! so much better than, "although my interest never began waning, it began stagnating."

Keep writing! I think you've got talent and you clearly have drive. Good luck with the scholarship!

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