: Re: How do we objectively assess if a dialogue sounds unnatural or cringy? By unnatural, I don't mean ungrammatical, but something people wouldn't really say. For example, in many fictions, you find

Trust your instinct. Period.

You are right--I zoned out at 'You turned me into a monster.' Who says that? I mean, I don't know whether to cringe or LOL. I didn't read further, but forcing myself to do so--No. Just no.

Try this:

Natalia: "F*ck you."

Robert: "I made the call. We're alive."

Natalia scoffs in disgust. "At what cost," she says under her breath.

Robert: "If you want to die, go ahead. Otherwise, shut up."

You are trying to explain so much in your dialog that I think we should coin the term 'diodump.' Trust your reader to get the emotional message without the technical details. Monster? What? Not needed.

ETA in response to comments:

Natalia: "F*ck you." She felt like a monster. Like he'd violated her--even though she'd signed the consent form, she never thought he'd actually give her the nano-bot injection.

Robert: "I made the call. We're alive."

Natalia scoffs in disgust. "At what cost," she says under her breath. The knowledge that she'd spend the rest of her life with those things inside her, coursing through her veins, it made her ill.

Robert: "If you want to die, go ahead. Terminate the bots. Otherwise, shut up."

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