: Re: How do we objectively assess if a dialogue sounds unnatural or cringy? By unnatural, I don't mean ungrammatical, but something people wouldn't really say. For example, in many fictions, you find

@Annie587

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I won't add to the answers here which are bang on. Your example dialogue is just too telling, the characters aren't having a natural conversation, they're conveying information and that's why it sounds wrong. You need to convey their thoughts and feelings non-verbally and where you can't do that, add exposition.

Dialogue takes practice, you'll get better and better the more you write, so just keep redrafting and redrafting. But it isn't the place to convey information like some villain who's telling the hero his whole plan before he's about to kill him.

I watch a lot of movies. A well-written script can be a great tool for analysing dialogue because there's no room for exposition and you can see what is said directly, what can be read between the lines, and what is conveyed non-verbally. Crimson Tide is an excellent example. Watch Gene Hackman and Denzel Washington carefully and see how much they convey with a look, or say between the lines. You can watch the tension between the different schools of thought build up into a crescendo between these characters with scenes where they rarely say what they're actually thinking, e.g.:

CAPTAIN: Feels like the whole crew needs a kick in the ass.

XO HUNTER: Or a pat on the back, sir. I just witnessed a fight down in
crew's mess. No big deal, but... I think the men are... a little on
edge with all we're going through. Morale seems to be a bit low.

CAPTAIN: Well, you seem to have the pulse of the men.

XO HUNTER: Thank you, sir.

CAPTAIN ON THE 1MC: May I have your attention, please? Mr. Hunter has
brought it to my attention that morale may be a bit low... that you
may be a bit...

XO HUNTER: On edge, sir.

CAPTAIN: On edge {cruel smirk}. So I suggest this: Any crew member who feels he
can't handle this situation can leave the ship right now! Gentlemen,
we're at DEFCON three. War is imminent. This is the captain. That is
all.

XO HUNTER: Very inspiring, sir.

The other thing that could be helpful is to find some friends (good actors if you can find them) and either get them to act out your dialogue, or, even better, give them your scenario (he's just turned her into a monster, it's diabolical to her but it saved their lives) and see what dialogue they come up with on their own.

Either way, you have to hear it out loud, and you have to keep practicing, editing and rewriting.

Good luck!

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