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Topic : Re: How can this sentence better convey the immobilizing impact of fear? Someone on another forum asked for advice on a sentence she was writing, so I thought I'd share it here and see what kind - selfpublishingguru.com

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First impression is that I can't understand why that particular sentence refers to "the sufferer" when all the other sentences talk about "you". Also not sure of "render you into a frozen vegetative state". "force you into" (or "send you") seems much better, IMO (don't ask me why, "render" just doesn't seem right). I also think that some of these sentences shouldn't be separated. Lastly, I would write "on the one hand", rather than "on one hand".

Fear is a strange thing. On the one hand, it has the ability to make
you stronger if the circumstances are just right, giving you the
strength and clarity of mind to overcome whatever peril you happen to
find yourself in. On the other hand, fear also has the frightening
ability to force you into a frozen vegetative state, leaving you in
control of nothing more than the blinking of your eyes and the sucking
in of short, shallow breaths.


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