First of all, forget what the readers and characters think, or are supposed to think, about your Tough Love. Instead, think about what you want for it.

I think it's very easy for someone to see a tough character as an asshole, and it's tempting to paint an asshole as representing 'toughness'. Notice that 'tough love' is usually how a tough character supposedly expresses their feeling of caring so, more than 'tough love', I suggest focusing on 'tough' in general.

I'm going to paint a scenario for a tough female character and I will do it from her POV. Then we can translate it to what the others are seeing.

personal view on life

TC is a grown woman in her twenties. Even though she's young, she has no illusions about the harshness of life. She has either lived through hard times or seen her loved ones live through hard times. She does not think of herself as negative, but as 'realist'. In fact, she's an optimist since she does belief that taking action can (though, life being life, it's never guaranteed) make changes for the better. Or the worse: just because you have good intentions and work hard in accordance to a sensible plan of action, it doesn't mean it won't blow in your face through no fault of yours.

personal view on others

TC dismisses anyone who gets carried away by their idealised dreams. If it turns out to be a grown person, 'dismissiveness' will likely become 'disgust' and she will have a hard time hiding it. A child will merit a sigh and a 'you'll grow up and have your dreams and hopes squashed - better get used to the idea'.

And that is precisely what guides her interactions with younger people. She knows teenagers have ideals and will get carried away by them. The sooner someones burst their bubble and makes them see the stark reality, the better for them, as they'll suffer less heartache. It's a kindness, really. Not that she is interested in doing it herself. They're none of her concern. But she will look over them, shaking her head, waiting for the crushing blow. And then she will stand beside them and give them the example: get up and be smarter.

As for older people... there's no worse blind than the one who refuses to see. If they insist in being stupid, then by all means, she will either let them know how wrong they are and how stupid they are to persist in it, or she will shrug at them with contempt. They're much too old to believe in pink unicorns!

caring for people her age

TC has a soft spot for Cheerful. He's a great guy and he'll help anyone who needs it. He's always smiling and has a positivity that spreads like the flu. One has to respect the way hardship will not put him down: he just keeps going. But he's heading for heartbreak. TC can see it clearly so she will tell him so in no uncertain words with her best advice.

TC also has a soft spot for Capable. He's strong and he's overcome his share of heartbrake, so she has all the respect in the world for him. To show it, she makes sure to comment his decisions, pointing out what she thinks is good... and pointing out potential problems. She has no intention to nag or belittle, quite the opposite. To pat him on the back for a less wise decision would be to mock him. And if he does fall, she will be there ready to upbraid him and get him back on his feet and in the right direction. He deserves no less from all his done.

caring for a younger person

TC has a soft spot for Naïve. He's full of dreams (appropriate to his age) but he's woefully unprepared and ignorant on the ways of the world. TC will make sure to get him aside and open his eyes. Since he's much to engrossed in those hazy ideals, she'll be blunt. She may even be purposefully cruel. Better to receive a control blow that will set him straight, than to be completely smashed by the world.

caring for an older person

TC has a soft spot for Weary. He's had a long life full of trouble and he's pulled through as best he could. Now, though, he's old and out of touch with reality. She will stand behind him, ready to catch his fall and she will do her best to kindly protect him and guide him.

kindness

She will do her best to be kind to those she cares for. However, she has no habit of sweet, soft words. Life has always been rough and direct with her, and she has learnt that lesson well.

kindness

Some people may call her rude and iron fist, they may say she's an asshole and a jerk. Let them! She knows that her approach is the best way to go through life. If people get all shocked and appaled, that's because they grew up in over-protected bubbles of fluff. She ignores them. After all, that view on life will get them hurt, not her.

This is a rather long example, but it gives the general idea. Your character does not think of herself as an asshole. Give her a good reason for her way of being and acting, and let her believe she is living life right. It's the others who are oh-so-sensitive.

In the meantime, the other characters don't as much as suspect she means well when she tells them to stop whining like a baby, or insists that they repeat the same task over and over when it has already been satisfactorily done. They don't know she simply wants them to improve and excel.

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