: In this day and age should the definition / categorisation of erotica be revised? My experience tells me that a disproportionate number of wannabe writers are prudes. I recently wrote a scene

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It seems this is less a question of being prude and more a question of mismatched expectations.

Erotica comes in different forms - same as porn - as soft romantic form and hard pornographic form. If your book mixes extremes of both forms that easily triggers frustrations in either target group.

If you even go so far to put explicit scenes into otherwise non-erotic genres this can be even more surprising and shock an audience. That has nothing to do with being prude, and everything to do with expectations. If you read a novel, sci-fi or fantasy you typically do not expect explicit (hard) sex scenes (unless perhaps it is a fanfiction or a book of a particular mixed sub-genre).

Sex happening can in principle be an important element of a story, but then it mostly suffices to know that it happened. Scenes that illicit arousal serve a different more self-serving function of sexual fantasizing and masturbation inspiration. If placed in the middle of a book that otherwise is driven by story telling, deep characters, intellectual challenges etc. then for most people who like to read such books, this is an annoying distraction at best and likely offensive. Sex is still an intimate topic, even if it were not - most delicacies are way more enjoyable when they are properly introduced and not stuffed into your head when you least expect it. Too much erotic writing in an otherwise dry intellectual story can be like a fat soaked big burger presented as the desert of an exquisite five course menu in a five-star restaurant.

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Why the outrage?

Well, first off, I think you overestimate the acceptability of showing masturbation in a TV show. Even showing a character going through the motions of it is fairly crass, and something I would expect from an It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia-type show. Still, I doubt you'd get the reaction you're describing from a scene where a woman starts to put her hand down her pants. The real issue is lines like these

Just when I've slipped my hand into my panties and I'm thinking about slamming my cl*t raw
With her back turned to me I reluctantly pull my finger out of my pussy.

No TV show would ever show either of these things. Yes, those actions would be implied by a depiction of a woman masturbating, but you're not implying it. You're showing it directly to the reader. Explicitly showing a woman rubbing her clitoris or putting her fingers in her vagina is already pushing it for something like Starz or Showtime. It would absolutely be outrageous on network TV.
tl;dr: How you show something is as important as what you're showing, if not more so.

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Some background. Erotica, as a genre, means that mind-blowing sex is the point of the story. If you take away the sex and the story just isn't interesting, or no longer has a point, then it's erotica. Otherwise it just has erotic themes.

So why the outrage?

Well. I have only theories, but here they are all the same.

First. 'traumatic event eviscerated character's libido', then brought back by 'dirty dancing'. This is a problematic approach. For two reasons. One, it can be taken to perpetuate that asexuality is the result of 'traumatic event'. Two, it can be taken to mean that therapy doesn't help, you just need to get over it.

Whether that was your intent is irrelevant. What little you said can be taken out of context and understood this way. It's why 'traumatic event' (heedless of what you mean by this) is hard to write well.

Second. It could be a simple case of sexualizing women, and/or sexualizing lesbians. Don't get me wrong, I love me some smut. I love me lesfic, and I love F/F romance. In fact, it's almost exclusively what I write these days (though less so for the smut).

But. It's possible that people can get a bit touchy if a non-lesbian writes lesbian fiction. Not because it's hard, but because it's hard to write a lesbian's life experience if you're a straight woman (I've dated straight women, they're usually clueless about lesbian experiences). It's made worse if you're perceived as a man. And it only adds insult to injury if you're perceived as a straight man writing women-loving-women fiction.

Is everything you wrote realistic? From what little I've seen, no. Not really. The events themselves are fine, it's the context of 'traumatic event' not once crossing the character's mind. Sexuality (and sex drive) aren't switches that can be flicked on and off. And furthermore, there are few women I know that dive straight in when they know they have time (your mileage may vary).

A more natural progression (which is super dependant on the type of woman, but generally speaking) would be something along the lines of:

character (she) sees sexy-time scene on tv
she isn't bothered (it doesn't trigger her)
she starts to question why she isn't bothered
she figures it doesn't matter (tells herself, "she keeps telling me to live in the moment")
can she imagine herself in scene? if yes, she imagines herself and love interest acting out scene. if no, changes channel
cuddle hormones are released (arousal point in women) she wants to touch and be touched, skin starts feeling soft, every move on couch highlights her body feels different
starts to affect breathing, 'the itch' starts up and wants to scratch it
depending on what she's into, she might then go in for the kill, but again that isn't common. this is where most (if not all) women enjoy being teased, temporarily being denied what they want/need, with the promise they'll get it and more if they're patient.

Do you see how different my progression is from yours?

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You didn't say who lost their minds, but your question implies that it was wannabe writers. Did you read this to a writers' group? It is quite explicit erotically, and it's not right to assume that everybody should be comfortable reading it or hearing about it. Labeling them "prudes" says that there's something wrong with their attitude. It would show respect for others to preface such material with an announcement that it contains vivid sexual content and give people a chance to opt out.

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In this day and age should the definition / categorisation of erotica be revised?

No. Erotica is a story intended to titillate, it is intended to aid imagination for the purpose of masturbation. Or more generally, for the primary purpose of creating sexual excitement.

If a story contains elements like that, it is probably erotica, even if there is a story line. If the story line is subordinate to creating sexual excitement, it is erotica.

But if sex serves a purpose (marking a transition state for your character) then the sex is an actual turning point, and in a story about real adults is merely realistic. Real people have sex, they masturbate, they engage in kinky stuff. There is nothing wrong with describing it (although some legal restrictions may apply in some jurisdictions; like not depicting child porn, or in some countries not depicting homosexuality).

Like all writing (including battles, torture, etc) it can be overblown, purple, or otherwise badly written, but depicting sex is not the issue.

I certainly don't think erotica needs a redefinition, I also don't find anything wrong with writing it. Sex is definitely a form of entertainment, whether the erotica is used for masturbatory fantasy or role playing or whatever. It can make both men and women feel powerful, loved, accomplished, joyful and the release of sex can, for some time, make them feel happy, content and connected.

Those can be strong story elements in a longer story. Sex can lead to love. Sex can lead to break ups. It is a tool you can use, and describing what was felt can be important, the moment that somebody's character actually changed. Pretending people are mindless in sex and only come to realizations afterward, when their clothes are back on, is unrealistic; leave it to censored TV, where women have sex with their bra on, or everybody has sex under the covers, and after sex (apparently, from the jump cuts used) everybody puts their underwear back on before cuddling. (Honestly I'd rather they just change the camera angle while people get out of bed and get dressed enough to film).

Be realistic. The notion that kids don't see Internet porn and know how it works is ludicrous; the moment they wonder they will find out. Not that Internet porn is realistic, but the mechanics and results are pretty obvious for anybody that wants to find them. I don't know who the outraged think they are protecting by censoring books, when straight-up real-life video filmed by amateurs of nearly everything can be found in a few minutes.

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