: Re: Is this excerpt's style too matter-of-fact? I get the feeling that this blurb is too... expositiony, not enough description. Too much "this happened and then this happened and then this happened".

@Cugini967

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I agree with Kate's comments, with minor exceptions: Paragraphs 3 and 4 ("Lance went over..." and "But even Susan") seem more "on the nose" than desirable; for example, the bald statement "Susan couldn’t deny that there was nothing left of the love they had once shared." Perhaps flash back, for a paragraph, to some loud dialogue between them?

A few minor points [not what you asked about] on wordings I'd prefer to those you have:

Par. 2, "stay with the mother" -> "stay with his son's mother".

Par. 3, "told, of course" -> "ratted him out to his parents, quite messily, he imagined", both to emphasize his point of view (not omniscient, he won't know it was messy) and to presage "out".

Par. 4, "even Susan didn’t ... even Susan couldn’t ..." -> "Susan didn’t ... Susan couldn’t ...". As Susan seems to be the only privy party, 'even' is jarringly wrong.
"by virtue of" -> "by dint of" (unbelievable cliche that she'd believe "by virtue of").

Par. 5, "car door slammed ... like a gunshot" = cliche.

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