: Re: Is this excerpt's style too matter-of-fact? I get the feeling that this blurb is too... expositiony, not enough description. Too much "this happened and then this happened and then this happened".

@Frith254

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I have to disagree with Kate. The "I'm gay" is a nice twist, but it does change nothing.

If you posted this as a blog post I wouldn't have reached the end. Show us how the people are, what happened, do not tell it.

The uncle is a "gruff man". Woohoo, is he? Says who? You? Who cares? And what means "gruff" anyway? If I open the door and a gruff man stands before me, I would either think "oh shit" or I would point my finger at him, laughing. And then shut the door.

Your protagonist almost peed himself when opening the door, but the only justification you give your reader consists of the adjective "gruff", an intense gaze and a cliched iron rod.

Show us how dangerous his uncle is. Instead of telling the "gruff man" sentence, let the protagonist remember how his uncle smashed a burglar with a baseball bat. Too extreme? Then why is the protagonist afraid of him? Give us a reason!

Overall, either show us more or shorten more. Long paragraphs are only good when they show. Telling should be short.

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