: Re: Is this excerpt's style too matter-of-fact? I get the feeling that this blurb is too... expositiony, not enough description. Too much "this happened and then this happened and then this happened".

@Cooney417

Vote Up Vote Down

I agree with John here: too much telling, not enough showing.

I'd also argue that this piece of writing suffers from a common problem whereby you think that "hiding" a piece of information i.e. "I'm gay" leads to a bigger pay off when it's revealed, like an "Ah-ha!" or "Ta-da!" moment. It normally doesn't. This sort of withholding of information from the reader rarely pays off. In this case, absolutely not: the central POV character is the person who is gay, so I find it illogical that the majority of his inner thinking doesn't even mention this. He's coming out. This is a significant event in his life. It would dominate every fibre of his being, especially if he has known he's gay for so long, and hidden it from the world.

You're trying to show inner conflict, but think of all the conflict you're avoiding by not diving headlong into this topic of him being gay, and getting a divorce as a result? The father who has always been homophobic, the parents who are devout Christians, the wife who just saw her world shattered by something she can't control or fix. The man who's hidden the truth for so long, and has finally come out, even though he knows he's hurting people around him, people he loves or loved.

The impact is far greater if you actually showed some of the events you alluded to, or if you invent some situations to show us what you want us to know about these people, and the conflicts between them. The breakup with his wife. A flashback to an incident demonstrating his father's homophobia, perhaps mixed with the Uncle somehow being involved. (Lance's behaviour during this flashback - e.g. he decides to always hide the truth from people, not stand up to his father - would contrast wonderfully with his changed behaviour when he stands up to his father.) A telephone call from Lance's mother to warn him his father is on the way. There's a million and one different possibilities to show us everything you've written here, so use them.

Think how much more poignant the inner conflict would be while he's waiting for his father to arrive when the reader is in possession of these facts?

Don't avoid the conflict; embrace it. Don't tell us about the characters; show us.

Edit: Just to clarify, I know you don't mention anything about the father being homophobic, or the parents being Christian, I made that up purely to emphasise a way of heightening the conflict between the characters.

(0)

Login to post a comment!