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Topic : Re: Is this excerpt's style too matter-of-fact? I get the feeling that this blurb is too... expositiony, not enough description. Too much "this happened and then this happened and then this happened". - selfpublishingguru.com

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The idea is great, and you obviously have a very clear image of your character and his environment, but you're trying to give it all to the reader in one lump. There is so much description and detail that it slows the pace and makes the piece ponderous. This is a situation of near panic; the narrative should reflect that. Panic doesn't dwell; it's scattered and sketchy.

I'll limit this to a couple of examples, but you'll see plenty as you revisit the text.

We don't need to know that he's pacing in his front hallway, nor how he is dressed, nor the bit about the pants. Everything these things say about the character are better brought out piecemeal, where they make sense in the narrative, or skipped entirely. Let the reader fill in the gaps, because that's how a reader becomes involved.

"Everyone kept telling Lance how a good woman she was" speaks on several levels just as it is -- his resentment, the well-meaning and/or pious advice, the weight of peer pressure. The rest of that sentence diminishes the power of that beginning by distracting from it.

Redundancy is your enemy here. It bores the reader. Lance goes over the argument in his mind, waiting for his father. Do we need to know "to arrive" (since that's self-evident) or "for a serious chat" (we already have the sense of that)? No. Restating the obvious is something you should scrupulously avoid. Unnecessary detail should be stripped out. Let the action set the scene in the reader's mind. Reveal the details of your characters and settings only as the narrative demands their revelation.

I get the sense that he hadn't planned to blurt out "I'm gay" (a lovely touch). It would fit with the state of mind and the shock of finding the uncle at the door instead of the father, and it opens up a whole new universe of story, if so.


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