: I don't think your dialogue is nearly as terrible as you claim. However it does feel very stilted because everything is stated explicitly. Currently, it feels more like an info dump. It's
I don't think your dialogue is nearly as terrible as you claim. However it does feel very stilted because everything is stated explicitly. Currently, it feels more like an info dump.
It's much more natural for people to imply things and leave things left unsaid. For example, if a friend got a haircut, you wouldn't say: "I really like your new haircut with the fringe and the sides shaved." (or whatever) Instead, your compliment would be a lot more ambiguous: "Wow, you're looking great! Did you do something to your hair?"
Unless you had a specific question ("How did you make the fringe fall like that?") you're unlikely to explicitly describe the style at all. Your friend knows what s/he looks like, and so do you, so there's no need to outright say it.
In your snippet, it feels weird to have characters comment on each other's looks like that. Most of that is much better suited to descriptive passages, and the characters would merely reference e.g. "those tats of yours". Also, depending on cultural norms, it might be more polite not to mention some things (e.g. skin colour) at all.
It's not just description, either. Another thing that stood out to me was one character's heritage being discussed in explicit terms, too. It's a lot less jarring than the descriptions, though.
As for your example, I suggest you take a look at every (visual) detail described in dialogue and decide whether this is something that someone would actually describe in the given situation. In some cases, it might very well be exactly what you want.
(In another question, you mentioned that one of the characters has an odd habit of speech. This could absolutely be a character quirk, but then it shouldn't be both characters doing it.)
I also recommend this YouTube video:
("10 Tips On Writing Better Dialogue" - It's focused on screen writers, but most of the tips apply in general.)More posts by @Michele605
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