: Re: Does this essay demonstrate flow, clarity, and passion? I am applying to school and, after 3-4 weeks of thinking and writing essay iterations, I ended up with the essay below. What are

@Frith254

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First impression:

The sentences are too long winded. Comma, comma, comma. The worst one begins with "Among this new wave". You can really use more than three sentences per paragraph. Break the sentences apart. That enhances clarity.

I wouldn't use the iceberg metaphor. First it's overused, second it is normally used to show negative things ("The government is corrupt. But that's only the tip of the iceberg. They arrest innocent people ..." - you know what I mean.)

If you use the expression "in a nutshell", you demonstrate clearly that the stuff you told before is not clear and concise. I'm not sure if you really want to do that here.

I stumbled on the two sentences beginning with "I believe" and "My belief". I was thinking "Haven't I read that a second before?". Maybe you can exchange one of these "beliefs".

Your passion to the topic is obvious. Or that you are exaggerating shamelessly. But I'm not sure you can do anything about that in such a short essay. It depends on the reader. If it is a grouch, he won't believe you. But that's a risk you have to take.

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