: Re: Does this beginning hook the reader? Guide lines Q no. 4: This is supposed to be the opening part, but certainly not the whole of the first chapter or page for that matter... I'm not exactly

@Debbie451

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Two things immediately jump out at me:

1) Granted that this is a very short excerpt, there isn't enough info or setting for me to understand where the characters are, in time or in place (not literally — I get that they're in LA, but Adam acts surprised that they're in LA, so why would the character not know what city he's in?). There's something about the moon, but it's casual, so maybe this is fifty years in the future? or maybe not?

2) Move the material in italics to dialogue. It can come from two characters who each only know part of the puzzle, comparing notes. Two reporters would work nicely. Or the reporter and a friend who's "connected," and each of them getting more concerned as they start assembling the pieces and realize what the gaps are, and what they imply.

So, you have a start, but there's not enough tension or suspense here yet. Drag it out a bit more so the evacuation notice is more of a punch.

ETA 1) yes, the updated body gives a better sense of place and a little more of character.

ETA 2) Your opening para in italics is narration. It's an information dump (infodump). You as the author are just dumping a load of backstory on the reader. You are telling us. One of the most important tools in a writer's toolbox is Show, Don't Tell. Show us two reporters coming into a newsroom and talking.

"Did you talk to your buddy at the White House?"

"Nobody's talking. He hung up on me. He sounded terrified."

"I can't get NASA to call me back either. But my sister-in-law works for the NYPD, and she sent me a text message. Three words: RUN TO MOM'S."

"Where's Mom's?"

"Indiana. Her mom, my mother-in-law. Who we both can't stand, so if she's telling me to go there, something's serious."

and so on. Don't tell us that the White House isn't talking. Show us that someone tried to call the White House and the staffer, who does know what's going on but isn't allowed to share, won't talk to the reporter.

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