: Re: How to improve/fix this short introductory paragraph and dialog? These are the things that I want for this introductory paragraph: Grab the reader's attention Create a melancholic and dark atmosphere

@Samaraweera193

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I am not a fan of these "denoting something by describing that which does not exist" techniques, e.g.:

"Yes," he said, unsmiling.
The silence was very loud.

etc. While it does say something, I feel it is left too much to the imagination. Certainly it can be used in specific cases, but as a general rule, only to create that specific feeling of uncertainty.

I do not see the melancholy and darkness here. There's awkwardness in their dialogue, but that's all. I would go straight for the people:

"I had a nice time," he said, staring at his glass of whisky. "Me
too," she replied. He glanced up and saw that she was smiling.
"I really mean it." ... etc They were alone in the bar. The ice in
his glass clinked very loudly in the silence. A faded sign above the
counter said "[something crass]", and he found himself staring at it.
Outside on the street he saw a woman tossing the corpse of a cat into
a shopping cart, and then continue down the street, pushing her cart.

Writing something like "There were only two people sitting there" implies that the reader should have knowledge about how many people ought to be sitting there, and I feel that it sort of jars my reading. Also, it is a bit clunky to first mention it is a bar, then mention the bar in a back reference: "there". "They were alone in the bar." does all this in one fell swoop, at the same time feeling like a very natural observation.

Mentioning short hair on a man is usually redundant, because that is more or less the default image that pops into your mind when you read "a young man". Similarly, a girl would have smooth facial features. I would focus on describing that which is unusual about them, and try to do it innocuously:

"Can I talk to you about something that terrifies me?" he said. He
found it hard to look directly at her. Her smooth skin, long black
hair and startlingly blue eyes made something inside him hurt and
burn.

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