: Re: Need help to rephrase this sentence to prevent a run-on I'm writing a narrative and am having a problem structuring the order of events. Here is what I have: Jamie had an 8 am flight

@Moriarity138

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Ok, lemme take a couple stabs at it.

First idea:

Jamie had a 8 am flight that morning. Usually, we'd tag-team the
morning rituals with the girls -- waking them, feeding them, and
dressing them together. But Jamie had to leave just after 6 to catch
that flight, so it all fell to me.

Note the change from "something" to "morning rituals". I think giving it a name instead of a placeholder gives it more punch, and makes breaking it up easier too. I did the same with "something" in the option below, changing it to "chores".

For this first version, though, the key piece is splitting the times -- the 8 am flight and 6 am departure from home. I like doing that here, since what's happening is a deviation from the norm. It can bear, and arguably needs, to have that beat* spent on it expanded from the one sentence to encompassing the whole paragraph. Now, if their normal morning was her rushing off to catch a flight, then I like that sentence exactly the way you've written it.

*I may not be using the term "beat" correctly here, but I hope my meaning is clear.

Second idea:

Jamie had a 8 am flight, so she was out of the house just after 6.
That left me to wake the girls up, feed them and dress them; chores we
typically tag teamed each morning.

This one's much closer to what you had, and also is shorter and tighter than my first. The key change here is from "Leaving" to "That left me". "Leaving", and any other -ing word, is a continuation word, one that feels open ended, stretched out, and in progress. And that's why the whole thing (your version) comes off as a run-on sentence. Even with that period there, starting that sentence with an -ing word ties it to the previous sentence. Conversely, "That left me" is definitive, directly stated - in short, stronger.

It's worthwhile to note that -ing words frequently come off as weak. Even if unnoticed by themselves, they can still weaken a sentence. It's a good practice in your re-writes to flag each one, and attempt to replace it. I don't mean that they should never be used, but for every one that you do, have a solid reason why it's the best construction.

Of course I just used three -ing words in a row in my first version. I happen to like them there, since their subject (the girls) is not the main subject and the time is a continuum -- every morning for an indefinite period into the past and likely the future. That said, it works without them, and that alone may be reason enough to change it. So, I'll end with that first one again, but with stronger verbs:

Jamie had a 8 am flight that morning. Usually, we'd tag-team the
morning rituals with the girls -- we'd wake them, feed them, and
dress them together every day. But Jamie had to leave just after 6 to catch
that flight, so it all fell to me.

Hm - I wasn't expecting it, but strengthening those verbs revealed that something was missing here -- that "every day".

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