: Re: Level of detail in description of character checking the news I'm writing a short story about a girl who has apparently 'missed' an earthquake. This is the beginning of the second scene (here

@Jessie137

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For me, there is too much irrelevance.

Have you ever heard the "If you show a gun in scene one, you had better use it by scene three" advice? That springs to mind when I read the whole Erin-on-her-bed bit. If you are going to tell us that she is musical and moved from Taipei, that hade better become relevant very soon. If not, it is doing nothing to move the narrative forward and should be deleted.

Some specific sentences are too much 'tell'. "Then, as if something had just popped up into her head, she grabbed the remote control from the table, turned on the TV, and switched to the news" could be made a lot shorter. Grabbing the remote shows us that she acted on impulse and doesn't need to be stated. She can just turn on the news, and this implies that the TV is on - again there is no need to say it.

In "No news about any earthquake, she said to herself" there is no need to say that she said it to herself. The reader can work that out for themselves.

Similarly with "They were stacked perfectly side by side, like piano keys. It seemed like they hadn't moved a single inch since the last time she'd checked them." Just tell us they are neatly stacked - readers have minds and can figure out that if they are stacked neatly they haven't moved.

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