: Re: Does this opening paragraph grab your attention? (very normal setting) This is the beginning of a short story I'm writing: Jun was standing motionless at entrance of the 7-eleven. He was

@Angie602

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For me you kind of steam right into the detail without giving a little set-up first. I'd simply change things around a little like this:

Jun made a mental list of all the possibilities: chocolate milk, cookies, shampoo, washing foam, bathing foam, condoms... but as he stood there, motionless, in the 7-eleven he realized that it wasn't any of them. All around him students grabbed midnight snacks, office workers talked, and kids with dyed hair drank beer. He scratched his ear, lifted his head, searched his memory. His wife had asked him to get something, that was why he had come out in the first place, but now that he was here he had no idea what it was.

"How can that be possible? She just told me a minutes ago." He wondered if he was in early stages of Alzheimer or dementia. But he thought that was impossible, after all, he was just in his mid-thirties. Those diseases belonged to people with white hair and walking sticks. Jun decided to sit in one of the stools. He glanced at his watch. 12:30 a.m. He thought about calling her and took his cellphone from his pocket. He stared at the screen for a couple of seconds, but then put it back. "I better not call her." 'I just told you few minutes ago and you forgot?' she would say. He let out a sigh and glanced around. Realizing he was hungry, he headed to the food section and bought a hot dog and an iced coffee.

Something like that, anyway. Hope that helps.

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