: Re: How to format dialogue with an embedded long monologue I use the following formats for dialogues: dialogue dialogue - describing action (if any) dialogue - describing action (if any) - more

@Pierce369

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One thing I would think about is: Are those things the other person says really unnecessary? They actually might give the reader valuable background information about what the other person already knows, and what that person considers normal (even though the reader may not) or extraordinatry (although it seems obvious to the reader).

Compare the following examples. First the monologue text:

"OK, I'll tell you the story. As you probably know, there once were two kingdoms fighting against each other, Knitor and Daria. But what you don't know is that both kingdoms had top secret magical forces. Most people think that magic powers were only discovered later under King Freed, but that's wrong. It's just that both kingdoms managed to successfully keep their knowledge secret. Indeed, it was so secret that even the king of Knitor didn't know that Daria knew about magic, nor the other way round. And so they were heading to a disaster ..."

Then one example with reactions:

"OK, I'll tell you the story. As you probably know, there once were two kingdoms fighting against each other, Knitor and Daria."

"Yes."

"But what you don't know is that both kingdoms had top secret magical forces."

"Magical forces? I can't believe that!"

"Most people think that magic powers were only discovered later under King Freed, but that's wrong. It's just that both kingdoms managed to successfully keep their knowledge secret."

"Well, kingdoms have always been masters of keeping things secret."

"Indeed, it was so secret that even the king of Knitor didn't know that Daria knew about magic, nor the other way round. And so they were heading to a disaster ..."

Now another example with completely different reactions:

"OK, I'll tell you the story. As you probably know, there once were two kingdoms fighting against each other, Knitor and Daria."

"Well, I've heard tales about it."

"But what you don't know is that both kingdoms had top secret magical forces."

"Magical forces back then? I can't believe that!"

"Most people think that magic powers were only discovered later under King Freed, but that's wrong. It's just that both kingdoms managed to successfully keep their knowledge secret."

"Such things never keep secret for long. Are you serious?"

"Indeed, it was so secret that even the king of Knitor didn't know that Daria knew about magic, nor the other way round. And so they were heading to a disaster ..."

Note that I didn't change one bit of the original monologue, and the other person doesn't actually add information about its subject. Yet there's still extra information.

In the first expanded dialogue you learn that the war is common knowledge, that magic is obviously so common that the other person cannot imagine that it was ever not known, and that a kingdom keeping a perfect secret is something completely normal.

In the second expanded dialogue you learn instead that the war is already passing into the reign of tales and legends, that it is a well known fact that magical powers were discovered later, and that a kingdom keeping such secrets well is something extraordinary.

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