: Re: Describing a character's panic and confusion I wrote the following: When I opened my eyes, it was still dark. Half asleep, I got out of bed, and entered the bathroom. As I emptied my bladder,
The important thing about writing is to show, not tell. You want to draw your reader into the moment by relying on the character's senses and then walk them through the moment as if they were your character.
Here's a re-write that attempts to do that:
I opened my eyes. In the dark stillness, I couldn't see much, but the dim glow of the bedside clock and the vague shadow of the lamp next to it. Half alseep, I fumbled with the covers and stumbled to the bathroom. After emptying my bladder and flushing the toliet, I checked my reflection in the mirror. The haunted eyes and dark circles underneath them made the long, drawn-in face almost unrecognizable. I waved my hand and the person waved back. Good, I sighed, I'm still me.
A dozen needles danced their way across my forehead. I searched the cabinet above the sink and didn't find much but a few small bars of soap. Right, I was in a hotel in Jade Mountain—not at home.
Washing my hands, I switched off the bathroom light and waited. After my eyes adjusted to the murkiness, I glanced toward the bed. Even before my mind registered the flatness, I knew she wasn't there. Flipping on the overhead, I scanned the room. Wallet and keys peeked out from the jumbled pile that overflowed from a over-sized purse turned on its side. I glanced at the open closet near the door. Everything hung straight and level, except for a gap where her dark, leather coat should have been.
I checked my watch. Almost midnight. Where could Naomi have gone at this late hour?
Quickly, I put on my jacket, my shoes, and rushed downstairs.
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