: Re: Does my title/opening paragraph grab your attention? Saki's Sixth Finger Saki gripped her extra finger as she peered down at the beach. The plane was reaching Phuket, finally. Watching

I'm intrigued by the title but not by the intro.

The key to an effective opening paragraph, and story as a whole, is you don't want your readers to think about sentence structure and other technicalities. You want them riding the roller coaster of your characters' experiences and emotions. This intro doesn't do that for me. One, I'm not sure where I am. At first I think I'm on a beach and then I find myself on an airplane. Then there is the use of it and and.

It had been a good decision after all

Could be written as:

Coming here had been a good decision after all.

And

But still, rivers of sweat traveled down her neck, and her black dress had glued itself to her back.

Could be written as:

Rivers of sweat traveled down her neck gluing her black dress to her back.

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: Re: Does my title/opening paragraph grab your attention? Saki's Sixth Finger Saki gripped her extra finger as she peered down at the beach. The plane was reaching Phuket, finally. Watching

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: Comma between the following clauses in AP Style? The AP style says that a comma is not needed between two clauses that have the same subject. However, it would become ambiguous if I removed

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