: Does my poem convey the character of the (fictional) author well? The core character in my current work-in-progress is an immortal goddess (of the minor kind), who goes increasingly desperate.

Some aspects of the poem truly do communicate the perspective of the writer. The short lines certainly present the intensity of the emotion and the sense of urgency in her plea. The somewhat irregular rhyme scheme (aba'cb ded'ce) and irregular line length might express something of her contempt for mere formality. I think this could be further emphasized by not having the last line of each stanza have a firm, proximate rhyme resolution (e.g., abcba' deced' or aba'bc ded'ec).

Some of the long words seem to detract slightly from the force of her words. Long words (which are often more formal) might best be used in ways that express her contempt and associate such finery and artifice to the foolish mortals.

The forcefulness of the accusations (and concerns) might be further increased by more use of forms of address expressing their character. E.g., addressing them as liars and not just saying that they lie. Name calling more forcefully expresses emotion (whether hostility or affection) than description.

If you are willing to do a very extensive rewrite, you might consider using a conceptual repetition at the end of each stanza pair to present a didactic feeling (repetition of basic content) and break that expectation by having an odd number of stanzas. This might give a sense of anticipation of doom, that she may give up trying to teach these foolish mortals (particularly if the odd-numbered stanzas are more judgment oriented and the even stanzas more pleading).

The impact of ending on an odd-numbered stanza might be increased if the book or scroll ended there, particularly if some cleverness is applied in selecting a name for the volume. E.g.,

[last, odd-numbered stanza]


And there The Scroll of Mortals ended.

A title like "Book of Dreams" might be more ambiguous (whether revealed to a mortal scribe in a dream-like state, referring to her aspirations for mortals, or referring to mortals' ephemeral creativity), possibly weakening the impact of that line but also possibly not telegraphing the ending or making it sound trite. If some of her earlier poems in the volume compared the mortals' brief but potentially extravagant creativity with dreams, such a title might be appropriate.

This effect might be further intensified by the protagonist not immediately recognizing how these writings offer the hoped for chance of convincing the goddess to abandon her plan to "do something quite terrible". The quest has ended in failure mirroring the hopeless ending of the book. (This symbolism could also be used at the end of the novel by having the protagonist discover that the book is mysteriously larger with many blank pages added to the end — the dreams will continue.)

Alternating judgmental and pleading stanzas might also express her tension of wishing mortals well and being frustrated by their madness.

In addition to differences in meter brought by their different tone, it might also be good to end the even/odd stanzas with different metrical feet. E.g., ending the pleading (even) stanzas with an amphibrach (unstressed, stressed, unstressed) might express something of gentle longing and opportunity for them to repent, and ending the judgment (odd) stanzas with an iamb (unstressed, stressed) might express an abruptness and forcefulness.

Trying to work all such tricks into such a poem may well be just too difficult. The weakness of the following rephrasing of just two stanzas may hint at the difficulty:

Do I lack grace?
You lack time!
Winter makes
A fireless rime
Of ettiquette

Dear mayflies, think!
Forge your dreams
In timeless ink
And empty schemes
Forfeit

Replacing "decorum" not only removes a longer, less forceful, more formal word but also seems to make the mortals' accusation harsher (lacking grace being perhaps worse than lacking decorum). Calling them mayflies not only directly addresses them (an affectionate condescension and a call to attention) but adds force and metaphor (which links to the urging to manifest their dreams). The moving of the rhyme linking the stanzas to the last line of the stanzas makes that (near) rhyme more apparent and would intensify the effect of ending on an odd stanza. Having "etiquette" at the end of the stanza may also increase the sense of forceful contempt she has for such. The ending of stanzas with different feet might also add some value; the near spondee perhaps having a feel of "please, please" (expressing urgency that there is still time to change) while the iambic pair possibly giving a sense of relentless marching doom.

Unfortunately, this rephrasing substantially changes the specific meaning (and somewhat the general meaning) from the original and uses a more regular meter, rhyme, and line length than appropriate. "Forge your dreams/ In timeless ink" is poetic and I like the use of "rime" in that it presents etiquette as fog-like (obstructing, disguising, insubstantial) and frozen (to an entombing container) by the chill of mortality. However, the meaning is very different.

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You're getting there. Push it farther. I think your first and last stanzas/poems have the right idea. Be rougher. Be angrier. Don't worry about grammar. Show more images, and have them more raw: fire consuming, water draining, a tornado blowing things away, an sinkhole devouring buildings, lava flowing over a city.

These stanzas are a little too hand-holding, if anything. She's not desperate or frustrated enough.

EDIT: Remove four, five, and six. Too mushy. The new ones are definite improvements.

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