: Re: Does my essay follow guidelines for a "well-developed, well organized argument"? In my English class I was assigned to write a short essay, the instructions for which are as follows: "In a well-developed,

@Miguel976

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Though your writing is mechanically sound (except for the misuse of the word "magnanimous") and your thesis is clear, it falls way short of the guidelines simply because it contains too many unsubstantiated editorial comments. By "too many" I mean greater than or equal to one. As a point of reference, I was once dinged on a college essay for sarcastically describing a murky statement as "crystal clear" instead of providing an objective argument for why I believed the statement was murky.

A cursory glance of your essay finds the following editorial comments:

Simplistic
Weak-minded
Hazy sense of morality
Shallow and inflammatory response
Being the sheepish and emotionally driven person that she is
Needlessly spent
Drastic action
State of emotional confusion
Blindly followed
Flimsy foundations
Explosive reaction
Irresponsible and juvenile behavior
Lazy interpretation

It doesn't matter if you're right or wrong about any of this. The point is, the only thing you're proving by making such statements is that you have a strong opinion about the subject. But so does Mrs. Hughes. Either back up you opinions with fact, or leave them out of the essay.

You also beg the question with remarks such as:

Sharp and insightful work of art
Benign service
Misinterpretation
Safe to assume…
She believes what she believes because…
I must doubt her ability to think for herself…
Flew right over her head

The argument you're making with these statements is that the issue is cut & dried, and therefore needs no substantiation. Your teacher might not agree. You're also weakening your own argument by assuming that those who disagree with you are obviously mentally inferior and therefore warrant no response.

The paragraph that begins with "It is only a matter of time..." is well-presented and is more what I would expect from an essay. You could strengthen this paragraph by dealing with a counter-argument. For example, an opponent might argue that we should expose toddlers to blood and gore horror movies in order to acquaint them with the harsh realities of life. Do you agree? If not, why not?

If you have the time, you would benefit from trying to write the essay from the opposite point of view. With eyes clear from the stain of sin and with the authority of the Word of God, it's obvious that proponents of the statue are sex-crazed perverts with no sense of artistic taste. Right? Or imagine how would you feel about a statue of a giant swastika, or a flaming cross. You'll see that issues such as these are controversial because they aren't as clear-cut as each side tends to believe.

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