: Re: Does this dream sequence work in my introduction? I'm writing the introduction to a story. The intro starts with a dream, then the main character wakes up, and then he and one of the secondary

@Alves689

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I think the dream sequence is a much better read than the dialog after it. There are some minor things in the dream sequence that make it a little confusing for me - for example in paragraph 13 there are so many emotions at play, - guilt, relief, fear, shame, happiness, conflict/indecision. Is he really "happy" that it is her in the machine, or is he ashamed that he is relieved it is not him? It was also not clear to me why he would die if he stayed. Is the same threat that put her into the machine now threatening him?

I think your transition out of the dream was good, and although it is graphic, it works. I don't think it would be a bad thing to be a little more explicit in paragraph 19 that he is waking up.

What was the most jolting for me was the setting when he woke up. At first I was picturing two gay men in bed together. I thought Felix and Dante were lovers, and was confused why he was dressed in bed, then more confused why he would be so deep in REM/dream sleep on a bus stop bench. That, and the dialog felt like it was forced. Are there more subtle ways to fill the reader in on the racial profiles of the two friends? The dialog felt too forced to get that point across to the reader. They know each other's backgrounds (at least the tone of this dialog suggests they are close friends who have known each other for a while) so to be so explicit sounded unnatural.

I would focus less on the dream because that is pretty solid, and more on rewriting what comes next. I think the dream works as an intro, but was confused by your comment - not going for mysterious, but want it to seem strange - it is definitely mysterious and elements (locked shut, alien tools) are strange.

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