: Re: Suggestions for revising style and cadence within a children's book When I submitted a manuscript for a children's book to a publisher, they expressed an interest but wanted me to improve the

You have a few problems here. One is basic command of grammar. You have run-on sentences, weird dialogue attributes, and just outright incorrect sentence structure. You need a proofreader before anything else.

The other, as the publisher pointed out, is that you go back and forth from "artificially antique and formal" (Oh, mighty buzzard, please do not despair) to casual and modern (Too bad for that little squirrel, though and This time, that old buzzard pulled it off.)

Either you are trying to tell a modern story or you are pretending to relate an old fable. Pick one and make everything that style.

Formal: "Oh mighty buzzard, please do not despair."
Casual: "Hey, big guy, don't worry — I bet I know one more trick you could do."

Formal: This time the great bird met with success.
Casual: This time, that old buzzard pulled it off.

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: No, you can only do that if you're making some sort of break or shift in narrative style. If the story switches to a dream, for instance, or if the characters enter a Fae realm or another

@Debbie451

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: If you can't boil down your novel into a logline (or "elevator pitch," which is how I learned it), then you may actually have a problem with your novel. You've provided the structure of

@Debbie451

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: "Literary criticism" and "editing feedback" are two entirely different beasts. Litcrit is about looking at an existing text and analyzing it. You look at the author's intent, you look at symbolism,

@Debbie451

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: In narration, stay in one tense. "She had green eyes" is fine, because your entire story is in the past tense — the "present-past," if that makes sense. If she had green eyes as a

: Re: Suggestions for revising style and cadence within a children's book When I submitted a manuscript for a children's book to a publisher, they expressed an interest but wanted me to improve the

More posts by @Debbie451

: No, you can only do that if you're making some sort of break or shift in narrative style. If the story switches to a dream, for instance, or if the characters enter a Fae realm or another

: If you can't boil down your novel into a logline (or "elevator pitch," which is how I learned it), then you may actually have a problem with your novel. You've provided the structure of

: "Literary criticism" and "editing feedback" are two entirely different beasts. Litcrit is about looking at an existing text and analyzing it. You look at the author's intent, you look at symbolism,

: In narration, stay in one tense. "She had green eyes" is fine, because your entire story is in the past tense — the "present-past," if that makes sense. If she had green eyes as a

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