: Re: Does this text flow smoothly (description of suicidal thoughts)? So how did this animal suicide thing start? Ironically, it began with my own death wish. But why? I had perfect health,

The transition seems fairly smooth to me, probably because the action doesn't feel like action: It feels like the continuation of the musings in the earlier paragraphs.

Maybe this is because we're not seeing the setup, but I think the entire excerpt feels rushed. This is someone who's thinking through reasons why life just doesn't make sense, but I'm not buying any of it: It seems detached, almost philosophical.

I think that easing us into this more gradually and giving the reader some anchor points - something like motivations or action touchpoints - would help.

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: Think of everything in the story in terms of "actors". Do they appear near enough to be confusable? Do they appear in contexts where one can be confused with the other? In your case

@Dunderdale623

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: This is extremely rare and very difficult to execute smoothly. While switching into present tense when the action picks up is usually fine, it's very difficult to create a smooth transition

@Dunderdale623

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: Are newlines effective for adding weight to certain phrases? Sometimes I'll write something where there's a few paragraphs of buildup, then a "whammy line" or two. I wrote a quick example, pretend

@Dunderdale623

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: What is this 'pretend dialogue' technique called There's a style that is popular on blogs, and takes the form of a dialogue between the reader and the author, where the author provides both

: Re: Does this text flow smoothly (description of suicidal thoughts)? So how did this animal suicide thing start? Ironically, it began with my own death wish. But why? I had perfect health,

More posts by @Dunderdale623

: Think of everything in the story in terms of "actors". Do they appear near enough to be confusable? Do they appear in contexts where one can be confused with the other? In your case

: This is extremely rare and very difficult to execute smoothly. While switching into present tense when the action picks up is usually fine, it's very difficult to create a smooth transition

: Are newlines effective for adding weight to certain phrases? Sometimes I'll write something where there's a few paragraphs of buildup, then a "whammy line" or two. I wrote a quick example, pretend

: What is this 'pretend dialogue' technique called There's a style that is popular on blogs, and takes the form of a dialogue between the reader and the author, where the author provides both

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