: Is the following "...noun, adjective..." structure allowed in fiction? Exhausted, I continued lying on my back. A cloud drifted lazily in the sky, heart-shaped, its curves flawlessly outlined
Exhausted, I continued lying on my back. A cloud drifted lazily
in the sky, heart-shaped, its curves flawlessly outlined as if drawn
with a compass.
Or should I write this instead?
Exhausted, I continued lying on my back. A cloud drifted lazily
in the sky. Heart-shaped, its curves flawlessly outlined as if drawn
with a compass.
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3 Comments
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I prefer your first -
A cloud drifted lazily in the sky, heart-shaped, its curves flawlessly outlined as if drawn with a compass.
As a personal preference, I'd remove adverbs where unnecessary -
A lazy cloud drifted in the sky, heart-shaped, its curves flawless as if drawn with a compass.
Exhausted, I continued lying on my back. A cloud drifted lazily in the sky, heart-shaped, its curves flawlessly outlined as if drawn with a compass.
I continued lying on my back, exhausted; a heart-shaped cloud, its curves flawless as though drawn with a compass, drifted lazily across my vision.
It is obvious clouds are in the sky. I think your version is clumsy and does not flow.
Philip Clayton
The first one is correct, because it's a two-word clause modifying cloud. The second one would need some kind of verb in the last sentence, and the modifier is perilously close to dangling regardless.
(Separately, isn't a compass a tool for scribing circles? Not sure how you'd create a heart shape that way.)
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