: Re: How can I implement more show less tell in my writing? I wrote this piece, but have had quite a lot of problems with showing, not telling. I am wondering how I can add More SHOW and less

@Karen856

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Yes, too many words obscuring the action, rather than driving it on. In your first section, only one phrase connected with me: He was nervous. The rest was filler without any emotional or story impact at all.

It doesn't matter what the morning looked like if some character was not looking at it and having a personal, emotional reaction to it. How does a pretty sunrise affect one's nervousness? I didn't even consider that question because I didn't know at the time that the observer was nervous. Try rewriting the scene beginning with 'He was nervous' and lead the reader through the sunrise and breakfast using every moment to illustrate his state of mind, or using his state of mind to taint the moment.

Similarly, if a character approaches a hospital bed. I do not want to know what colour it is. I want to know who's in it. If the bed was surrounded by fallen children's toys and deflated ballons, then my heart is in my mouth, and I need to know who's in it. If you tell me it's white and dull it's not suspense, it's just time-wasting. Likewise sorrowful tears, and round gun barrels. You can afford to lose some words there. Only use adjectives if they are surprising or illuminating. As well as 'round', gun barrels can be wet, hot, greasy or perfumed. Each of those tells a story, round does not.

Not all of it is bad, but lots of that text either needs to go, or be rewritten so that it connects emotionally. I like the imagery of the weather turning bad, but it needed to be tied into William's state of mind. Does he just stand there in the rain when it turns into a deluge, or does he seek cover? Does the lightning bother him, or is he deaf to it?

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