: Re: How can I improve this scene? This is the second to last scene in the first chapter. It starts with Lisa hunting and getting a deer and ends with Lisa getting bit by a venomous snake. Now

Robin heard her screaming and said â€œMy father developed a natural antivenom. Namely, his own antibodies. Maybe your antibodies will react to the venom and your white blood cells will get rid of it.â€

It looks like Robin says all this before Lisa gets bit. In addition to being bad advice, it doesn't help Robin avoid the bite. At this point, he should be shouting advice on how to calm the snake down.

Robin heard her screaming and shouted "Keep still! Don't provoke it! I'll be right there." That wasn't much comfort to Lisa, as she stared at the brightly-colored reptile that was now winding its way around her feet.
The snake's head brushed up against her exposed ankle, and Lisa immediately tried to kick it away. The snake easily dodged the kick and bit hard into her skin. "Aah, ****!" She dropped the deer, and the sudden threat of impact caused the snake to leap away and slither quickly back into the woods.
Robin arrived and said "Lisa, are you okay?"

To have Robin give more helpful advice, I'd advise that you search for actual tips for dealing with wild snakes. Here's a short but informative article.
This text has other issues, but the biggest issue with this story isn't in the text. You seem overly eager to come up with excuses to disregard the comments that other people make. If multiple people have the same issue with your text, then you should strongly consider that they are right.

Load Full (0)

: Is it hard for a foreigner to publish in English? I'm from Brazil and I plan to write my first book. I'm thinking about writing it in English, because then it could be published worldwide

@Hamaas631

Load Full 3 Comments

: Illustrations for a children's book to be republished I illustrated a book 20 years ago. No royalties: one-time use. Did not sign a contract for copyright. It is considered an orphan. Now the

@Hamaas631

Load Full 1 Comments

: Should a villain have redeeming qualities I know it is important for main characters to have flaws to make them believable and real. But should an antagonist have redeeming or good qualities,

@Hamaas631

Load Full 3 Comments

: Can technical writing suck less I currently have the prospect of writing a considerable amount of technical documentation (describing interactions with an extremely complex online service). I consider

: Re: How can I improve this scene? This is the second to last scene in the first chapter. It starts with Lisa hunting and getting a deer and ends with Lisa getting bit by a venomous snake. Now

More posts by @Hamaas631

: Is it hard for a foreigner to publish in English? I'm from Brazil and I plan to write my first book. I'm thinking about writing it in English, because then it could be published worldwide

: Illustrations for a children's book to be republished I illustrated a book 20 years ago. No royalties: one-time use. Did not sign a contract for copyright. It is considered an orphan. Now the

: Should a villain have redeeming qualities I know it is important for main characters to have flaws to make them believable and real. But should an antagonist have redeeming or good qualities,

: Can technical writing suck less I currently have the prospect of writing a considerable amount of technical documentation (describing interactions with an extremely complex online service). I consider

Login to post a comment!

0 Comments

Back to top