: Re: requesting a review/critique of an outro narrative Here's an outro narrative I wrote for our movie we're working on and I was wondering whether someone could provide a critique. Anything what

@Alves689

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I like it a lot, reminds me a little bit of what "Enter the Void" would be like if it was narrated. I also like the sadder aspects of it; I can imagine it'd be a really profound and impactful way to finish your story. However, it could possibly do with some polish on a few of the syntax and lexical choices.

One's obvious: in "We’d need to think higher than science, would need to get spiritual" you need to either put "we would need to get spirtual" or change the sentence, it's fragmented.

A lot of the issues I find with it are personal however, but if I were writing it I wouldn't choose the phrase "progress of my story" to describe the course of a life, although it's fine â€” to me it just sounds a bit shallow (as if he has a usual disaffection to it, not reverential enough â€” especially considering the regrets he has).

I think what you're trying to put across is the narrator's thought of "Is this really all there is? I don't think so, I think there's something more... (this is where you want to convey the optimism)". And I think it's pretty cool, I'd probably enjoy to see it, but I think, in places, the way you bring across these ideas could be slightly improved. (But as the comment somewhere above states, we don't have much indication about your narrative voice i.e. background, mannerisms etc., so once again it's a personal, slightly blind viewpoint I'm giving here... some of my gripes may be totally misjudged.)

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