: Re: How can I improve this description which includes actions? This is the beginning of a short story I'm writing (I'm not a native English speaker): I was lying in the dark, looking at

@Heady158

Vote Up Vote Down

I would suggest using more imagery and show technique to make this paragraph more interesting, instead of using the repetitive "I am lonely" statement. For instance, instead of using the phrase, "I've never felt so lonely" you could take a stab at personification and say, "Loneliness seemed to creep up on me like a predator, stalking and waiting to strike." You could also try to use a periodic suspense builder to do, you guessed it, build up suspense. For instance, although I do like the first sentence, I would probably modify it and say, "Staring up into the endless abyss of the dark ceiling, surroundings plunged into a dull gloom, hearing only my own cyclical heartbeat, I lay on my back, counting the cobwebs on the dusty ceiling." If you would like to try using periodic sentences/suspense builders, just take note that a periodic sentence is a long sentence that puts a series of dependent clauses before a single independent clause, and a periodic suspense builder is a periodic sentence that builds suspense.

I hope this helps with your writing. Good luck with your story!

(0)

Login to post a comment!