: How to break up dialog if some of the dialog is not in quotes? I have a technical question. In my story, I've several chunks of dialog where one character's response is a grunt or a groan
I have a technical question.
In my story, I've several chunks of dialog where one character's response is a grunt or a groan or rude sound or a swear word, or whatever, but is not in quotes. As a fake example:
William said, “Sweetie, raising greyhounds is not easy. But it is the
family business.†Elisabeth groaned at the turn in conversation. She
rubbed the back of her neck. William said, “Of course, you don’t need
to take over the family business.â€
Is this better as is, ^^^ shown above, a single paragraph, or should it be broken into three, as below?
William said, “Sweetie, raising greyhounds is not easy. But it is the
family business.â€
Elisabeth groaned at the turn in conversation. She rubbed the back of
her neck.
William said, “Of course, you don’t need to take over the family
business.â€
I assume either is OK (but don't really know) and am curious if one is better than the other. Thanks in advance.
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Personally, either may be correct, but visually the second broken up option is better. It better redirects the reader's mental view from William, to Elizabeth, then back to William.
Breaking paragraphs does this, and as an author it is your prerogative, a new paragraph is a signal to the reader to reset what they are looking at (in their imagination). Our natural inclination, in a conversation, is to look at the person we expect to speak next, or at the person that begins speaking. After William talks, it is better to break paragraph and look at Elizabeth to see her reaction (in speech or otherwise), how she received that information. After Elizabeth "answers" (with action or words or sound), we should break paragraph as we look back at William to see how he reacts.
This is the nature of how we talk, people that watch the face of a speaker have far higher comprehension rates than when they can only hear the same speaker.
Your first paragraph is fine and best. The rule is to start a new paragraph if a new person speaks.1 In your case, you are just relaying circumstances of Elisabeth's reactions in relation to William's verbalized statements, but she is not herself speaking. The final source I give below notes the big, basic rules of needing a new paragraph (I've added numbers here for reference, they are bullet points in the source):
When you start in on a new topic
When you skip to a new time
When you skip to a new place
When a new person begins to speak
When you want to produce a dramatic effect
Going through that checklist in your example, you are still on the topic of the family business (#1), have not changed time (#2) or place (#3), do not change speakers (#4), and then #5 is really a stylistic determination. Do you want to emphasize the groan. If not, what you have as a single paragraph is fine. If so, then possibly making a new paragraph would matter. In such a case, you would perhaps say even less to make the effect more dramatic, so:
William said, “Sweetie, raising greyhounds is not easy. But it is the family business.â€
Elisabeth groaned.
William continued, “Of course, you don’t need to take over the family business.â€
However, a verbalized swear word technically does require the paragraph switch, as then you are changing speakers. So consider these two examples, depending on how you relay Elisabeth swearing:
William said, “Sweetie, raising greyhounds is not easy. But it is the family business.†Elisabeth swore under her breath at the turn in conversation. She rubbed the back of her neck. William said, “Of course, you don’t need to take over the family business.â€
William said, “Sweetie, raising greyhounds is not easy. But it is the family business.â€
Elisabeth muttered, "$*'+!".
William continued, “Of course, you don’t need to take over the family business.â€
1 Some sources that note this:
www.writersdigest.com/tip-of-the-day/write-like-a-pro-master-the-rules-of-dialogue-in-writing www.dailywritingtips.com/dialogue-dos-and-donts/ www.saidsimple.com/content/100835/
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