: Re: Sensory Information Overload I'm reading The Book of Human Emotions by Tiffany Watt Smith (good stuff if you want to inform the use of emotion in your writing), and I've just come across Overwhelmed

@Rivera824

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In the first draft you put all of them in. You are discovering the scene for yourself. What you have written is your image of the scene. This is not what the reader needs to read, however. It's for you to understand what's going on, and that impacts how you write it.
You even add more description as you revise. You've added some internals, but you can go further, or not. Since this is a flight scene you might keep it tight.

I'm currently reading a highly-acclaimed book called Manuscript Makeover (recommended by me, now, too!) and near the beginning the author discusses 'voice.' She refers to a passage from one of Kingsolver's books. She asks the reader to consider a bare bones version of a character's reaction to a corpse in a casket:

She hadn't looked at the body and couldn't contemplate it. She opened
her eyes for fear that she would fall into the darkness.

and those two sentences are very good sentences, in my opinion. In a sense they answer your question: at one level less is more. Now, compare that pared down version with the actual version:

She hadn't looked at the body and couldn't contemplate it. She could
not really think it was in there, not his body, (this is internal
reaction of the PoV character, gets us 'in their head' ), the great perfect table of his
stomach, on which she could lay her head like a sleepy schoolchild
(lovely imagery, also describes
his appearance); that energy of his that she had learned to crave and move to like an old
tune inside her that she'd never learned to sing before Cole
(hints of his personality). His hands on her bare back, his mouth that drew her in like a nectar guide on a flower, these things
of Cole's she would never have again in her life (and their
relationship).She opened her eyes for fear that she would fall into
the darkness.

In a sense, this actual version follows Amadeus's excellent advice about three - Appearance of body, personality, and relationship to main character.

According to Manuscript Makeover, those added sentences are what gives an author (or character) 'voice,' and you need that if you hope to be successful. However, there is certainly the caveat that action scenes like yours move faster than being with a loved one who is lying in a casket.

But regardless, keep adding. External, internal. the characters are thrown to the side as the train takes a corner too fast. One of the passengers interferes, tries to tackle the antag, he shoves the woman down and keeps going. Etc. His internal reaction.

As you revise, you see what doesn't belong. You cut it back out. I have a scene where my protagonist has a broken rib and he's moaning and whatnot, trying to stand, unable, breaking into a sweat, and in the middle of all this somehow the phrase 'birds were singing in the trees' had worked its way in. I needed to know the scene for myself, and so I was window dressing it in an earlier draft. But, in the immediacy of breaking a rib, the last thing he would notice is birds twittering about. So, those sorts of things eventually (or sooner) get pruned back.
"It surely won't do to have so much description." Maybe, maybe not, action is fast paced. But, I think it's the 'right' description that you need. You could stretch a chase out if you like. I read an exercise somewhere about a teacher breaking a class into two groups. One was tasked with writing what they thought would be the most exciting thing possible. The other had to write what they thought was the most boring thing possible. But, they all had to write for the same length of time. Guess which group actually had more interesting passages at the end? Being forced to add the right details, take the time to identify the specifics that draw a reader in, can make (for example) even drying paint fascinating. On the other hand a bank heist that is too rushed will just be confusing. So - you eventually want to aim for the right description, but this is step four, not step one.

Keep writing,
DPT

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