: Re: How can I keep my writing from being perceived as "too complicated" This is from a piece I wrote a couple of years back: The sky seemed like a big, large pool of grey smoke. The weather
Below, I look like I'm critiqueing the specific piece. But my goal is to present principles that could be used more generally.
First: Your grammar needs to be correct. Complex sentences need to be absolutely correct--otherwise, the meaning is lost in the combination of complexity and error.
So I corrected the passage, changing as little as I could:
The sky seemed like a big, large pool of grey smoke. The weather was cool, moist. A fresh, earthy smell hung in the air.
I peered through a window covered with slick navy blue curtains that swung to and fro in time with the movement of the minibus, blocking my view to some extent. Tiny rain droplets drizzled onto the closed glass pane with a light tinkle, creating a rhythmical musical tune which doubtlessly was perceived by quite a few. I could see the vague reflection of a stressed me breaking into a little grin on the damp window pane, as well as my surroundings. I became lost in admiring the lovely shower for a few moments before reality struck me hard.
Next: Some complexity doesn't earn its keep.
When you say the same thing twice, for example, that repetition adds complexity without adding meaning.
So we don't need "big, large"--they both mean the same thing, so we can lose one of them.
We don't need "rhythmical musical tune"--there's redundancy across those three words. A tune is rhythmic and musical. Music is rhythmic. They're not perfect synonyms of one another, but they're so similar that we don't need all three.
And often weakeners or intensifiers add complexity without adding much meaning. I argued that you don't need both big and large, but do you really need either of them? Do you need the explanation that the view is blocked "to some extent" or can you trust the reader to understand that since the curtains are moving, the blockage isn't complete? Does the reflection need to be vague? Does the grin need to be little? Does the reality need to strike hard or can it just strike?
And, adjectives--when you have two or three, do you need them all? Do we need to know that the curtains are slick and blue and that it's navy blue? Do we need to be told that the glass pane is closed or can we trust the reader to realize that?
Maybe you do need some of these. But think about each one, and consider whether each one earns its keep.
So I do some more trimming:
The sky seemed like a pool of grey smoke. The weather was cool, moist. A fresh, earthy smell hung in the air.
I peered through a window covered in curtains that swung to and fro in time with the movement of the minibus, blocking my view. Rain droplets drizzled onto the glass with a light tinkle, creating a music perceived by quite a few. I could see the reflection of a stressed me breaking into a grin on the damp window pane, as well as my surroundings. I became lost in admiring the shower for a few moments before reality struck me.
I have a few more issues, but they're no longer general--they would come down to a specific critique of the passage, and any changes I made would replace your voice with mine.
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