We are not lawyers here, and I am not a lawyer, and you are asking for legal advice to avoid a defamation lawsuit (if it is published it is called Libel, if it is spoken it is called Slander).

The question is not whether it is true, the question will be whether you can prove it is true in a court of law, to a jury. Often you cannot; if he struck you or raped you and you have no police or medical report, if he insulted you and you have no recordings. Your word that these things are true don't count just because the court cannot tell if you are lying or not. Being willing to take a lie detector test doesn't help, those are not admitted as evidence (in the USA) because it has been proven they can be faked.

If your ex is the vindictive type, and finds out you are making money from your writing about him, he may sue you for damages and win all your money plus more. Thus victimizing you again.

Don't rely on the advice of us randos on the Internet when it comes to real liability for big money, find real sites with real lawyers or publishers talking about defenses against defamation in your work.

I'd suggest GETTING a real lawyer to advise you before you make your work public by self-publishing or actually publishing. You can finish it before then, even look for an agent or publisher to advise you. But don't expose yourself to bankruptcy by just thinking it will all be fine.

An Alternative Route.

You can publish a book of advice on how to react or deal with various kinds of threats or actions, without making it personal. i.e. "Here is a threat. Here is a way to deal with it." Leave out the part about "this happened to me, by my ex."

That might not be as cathartic for you personally, but you can write, convincingly, of the emotions one will experience and the lessons learned without putting it into the first person. Then it makes no difference if your ex says "I never did that, she's ruining my career by writing that". Because you never said he did, by name or by reference as your ex, in fact you never said anybody did that to you. You are just telling women "IF this happens to you, you are not alone, and here is one potential way to get through it."

ADDED: Some research. Here is a link to Findlaw, Elements of Libel and Slander.

Here is an excerpt from that page:

First, the plaintiff [your ex] must prove that the defendant [you] made a false and defamatory statement concerning the plaintiff.

If you published, note that "the plaintiff must prove" means they must prove this in court, (they don't have to prove it just to get you into court, they just assert this in their lawsuit) and the standard of proof will be whatever the jury decides; THEY will decide if you lied or defamed him. They might decide that if you have no proof of your claims.

Another excerpt:

Courts have long struggled with the task of determining a standard for deciding whether a statement is defamatory. Many statements may be viewed as defamatory by some individuals, but the same statement may not be viewed as defamatory by others. But generally, courts require a plaintiff to prove that he or she has been defamed in the eyes of the community or within a defined group within the community. Juries usually decide this question.

Courts have struggled to some degree with the treatment of statements of opinions. In common law, statements of opinion could form the basis of a defamation action similar to a statement of pure fact. Generally, if a statement implies defamatory facts as the basis of the opinion, then the statement may be considered libel or slander.

And finally,

In a defamation action, the recipient of a communication must understand that the defendant intended to refer to the plaintiff in the communication. Even where the recipient mistakenly believes that a communication refers to the plaintiff, this belief, so long as it is reasonable, is sufficient. It is not necessary that the communication refer to the plaintiff by name. A defendant may publish defamatory material in the form of a story or novel that apparently refers only to fictitious characters, where a reasonable person would understand that a particular character actually refers to the plaintiff. This is true even if the author states that he or she intends for the work to be fictional.

Emphasis mine.

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