: Re: Confusing writing in order to show how character is falling asleep - is it OK? Generally, writing something confusing is not good. On the other hand, a writer should show rather than tell.

@Kaufman555

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I agree with Lauren. I like the concept a lot.

It is a very difficult balance to try to use a unique literary device like purposefully garbled inner-dialog while remaining invisible as the author. If you're too obvious it feels out of place, but if you're too subtle then it just looks like sloppy writing. It's a bold move for sure.

I can think of a couple alternatives you might use instead of, or in conjunction with your idea...

Poetic offsets are a useful tool if not used in excess. They signal a reader to read this text in a different way without necessarily having to say anything at all.

Her drowsy brain tossed at her fake, annoying sounds of questions and requests in voices of people she knew. She wanted to fall asleep and sleep but she couldn’t sleep because she couldn’t fall asleep even though she was very tired. She wanted to giver herself away to her pursuers,
to sleep,
to death.
She was tired...

note: not suggesting that structure specifically, just an example.

Alliteration is another poetic tool that could get the point you want across. Wordsworth was the master of alliteration in my opinion. Anytime I wonder if it's possible to make words sound like something completely unfathomable I read his poetry and am usually inspired. I don't have a specific suggestion here, but I do think that classical poetry could offer something more to your idea.

A final thought. To answer your question as briefly as possible, I would say yes it is Ok. The one thought I can't shake though is, if you had not specifically asked if it was Ok, would I have noticed what you were doing on my own? I think you might get a better response to your raw idea if you ask us blind next time. It might have been the same, I might have thought it was really clever, but unfortunately I'll never know because I already knew what you were doing before I read your work. Very interesting idea Jacob, good luck with it!

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